Posts archive for: November, 2008
  • Two frogs

    Frogs - and people - can put up with a lot, if it creeps up on them slowly.

    Two frogs

    ‘Is it just me,
    Or is it getting
    Hot in here?’
    The frog said to himself,
    Swimming thorough
    A stream of bubbles.
    Or maybe not,
    As far as I’m aware,
    Frogs are not given much
    To abstract thought.

    Suspending disbelief:
    ‘Yes, really, it’s
    Quite balmy,
    I must say.
    In fact,
    A bit too warm,
    For my taste,
    But mustn’t grumble,
    I suppose.
    Though, really
    It is getting
    Rather hot.’
    And on he swam.
    Round and round.

    Until the moment
    Someone threw
    Another frog
    Into the pot.
    ‘It’s boiling!’ screamed
    The second frog
    Before he croaked.

    ‘Well, some frogs!’
    Said the first one,
    ‘Can’t even stand
    A bit of heat,
    Though I must say,
    I thought that it
    Was getting warm.’
    And on he swam
    Round and round.

    © Melinda Belynda, 30 November 2008

  • Next track

    Playing the Tom Petty album 'Wild flowers' (actually I'm copying it onto the computer because it's Hubby's CD and I don't want to lose it), and I'd forgotten that the third track,
    after 'Wild flowers'
    http://melinda-in-surreality.blog.co.uk/2008/10/26/wild-flowers-4935522
    and 'You don't know...'
    http://melinda-in-surreality.blog.co.uk/2008/10/26/you-don-t-know-how-it-feels-4936060

    ... is this one:

    '..like a deer in the headlights,
    Frozen in real time,
    I'm losing my mind...'

  • The Macarena - for Usky

    :roll:
    Please don' feel obliged to watch it all the way through. :no:

  • the final challenge

    I had given up on here and gone to sit downstairs on the sofa when I remembered that I hadn't posted anything today that makes me happy. It's the last day, and I'll admit that my record so far has been woefully inadequate, but then, it hasn't been my best of weeks :(
    I was thinking about loneliness and having to face up to a life of being on my own, though, really, how different is that from the way I feel now? And I thought, because I don't expect ever again to have a 'significant other' in my life, never again to be part of a couple or have someone to rely on, well it's easy to start feeling sorry for yourself.
    And I thought how lucky I am to have such good frineds - ordinary, everyday frineds who will pitch in with practical advice and help and share a joke or a hug, friends across the world who I know would be glad to see me if we could meet. And online friends, that strange and random group of people who have found themselves washed up here, and who pop up from nowhere, offering kindness and sharing and laughter and chat and one in particular who has been there for me today who I hope i haven't upset.
    so that's the one thing I offer today as a source of happiness, to help keep me going through difficult times. If you have friends, remember how lucky you are, and never take them for granted.
    Good night, my friends.
    xxx

  • Happy???

    OK, I ate some of the chocolate I bought at Berlin airport - the macadamia nut one, and the 99% cocoa one.
    Can I count that???

  • Most recent photo I have...

    ... and very 'Melinda'
    I may keep this as my profile :yes:

  • A terribly surreal list of 'Ads by Google'...

    Learn Italian Words

    Learn German Audio

    Speak English

    Learn Plumbing

    Gay Blog

    ... What did I do/say to deserve those???

  • Happy thoughts...

    I can't remember how many days behind I am by now :no:
    Well, my daughter came to see me yesterday, so that was good :yes:
    And I went to meditation group.
    So, that's two.
    Anything good for Wednesday? Can't remember, so can I use one from the two yesterday?
    And what about today???
    Hmmmm... that's a challenge :(

  • Does anybody know...

    Why so many people have changed their profile photos today???
    Is something going on that I don't know about?
    Am I just being naive? (Wouldn't be the first time :no:...)
    Or being excluded from something that everybody else knows about :( (That wouldn't be the first time either :no: )
    Weird...

  • Tea bags

    Today it says:
    'Live for each other'.
    I've spent my whole life trying to live for other people, thinking that would bring me happiness.
    It didn't.

  • Reasons to be...

    I forget this again, didn't I?
    Damn
    There's got to be something I suppose, but right now I can't think of anything worth mentioning.

  • Purple day 4

    Well, I'm conscious that 'yesterday's' effort was both late and rather perfunctory - excuse being lack of time because of the disturbing work load.
    And having been awake 19 hours, I don't feel like staying too long now either.
    But I have been feeling quite upbeat this evening - because I'm conscious of having made a good decision :yes:
    By not going to London today, I was able to make significant progress on my little bit of consultancy.
    A job well done.
    :)

  • Purple day 3

    Well, it's still Monday in California :roll:
    This is the one (two) I didn't mention on Sunday - a bit obvious really: my children.

  • Purple day 2

    I have thought of two things today that make me happy - one I prepared earlier, and maybe I will hold that one in reserve, but another one struck me, and that is poetry - when it comes upon you in a rush and you know you have to write it down.
    so, that is my reason to be cheerful for today! :yes:

  • Paradoxical haiku

    I thought that this might
    turn out to be a haiku.
    Perhaps it will (not).

  • Purple challenge

    I just read Marian's comment about the challenge thrown down by Purple Dragon, to blog every day about something that makes you feel happy.
    This is a big, big challenge for me at the moment, as some of you know. :(
    But here is one to start with - and quite a deep one, actually.
    Many years ago, my driving instructor said to me:
    'There is no more satisfying feeling than to do something you really don't want to do, and then afterwards, to know that you've done it'.
    If you see what I mean.
    And I've finished my writing assignment :yes: :yes: :yes:
    YEAAAAAYYYYY!!!!!

  • Writing assignment

    Done at last!
    The brief was: 'A short story of 1500 words based on one of the exercises we did during the course'.
    You can find it here:
    http://www.authspot.com/Short-Stories/Everybodys-Friend.345269
    I'd appreciate any comments!
    :)

  • Goodbye to Berlin - 2

    Over dinner, I asked Anya what she would recommend me to do with my last few hours in the city. I’d planned on arriving midday on Wednesday and spending the afternoon sightseeing, but the 9:30 plane was cancelled and I didn’t get in till 5.
    Anya suggested that I take the metro to the Haupt Bahnhof, leave my suitcase in a locker, walk to the Brandenburger Tor and Unter den Linden, see as much as I can, then back to collect my case and take the airport bus from the Bahnhof.
    I’m in breakfast by 6:45, check out about 8:15. I know I have to change metro at Westkreuz, but when I get there there are too many platforms and I can’t find out which one I want. In the end I ask the lady selling doughnuts. When I get to the Haupt Bahnhof, first I can’t find the lockers, then I can’t see from the map which side I am and which way I need to go, though I find the stop for the airport bus OK.
    I’m conscious of time ticking. I want to do at least some sight seeing, Wednesday was a washout because of the flight being cancelled, a judgement on me perhaps for spending Tuesday night with Himself.

    It was worth it, though.

    I pass the Reichstag. The inscription reads:
    ‘Der Deutscher Volk’. The German People.
    People are people. Some you struggle with, some you can fall in love with. Very, very easily. If you’re not careful.
    The German people. I think about Alex and Anya. I asked Anya: ‘Are you from Berlin originally?’
    ‘No, from Dresden’ she says, casually, as if there is no historical significance to that name.
    I think about Austro-Greek American (‘I’ve been a political refugee for the last eight years) Niki, flying home to Vienna and her Austrian babies.
    ‘Austrians hate me when they meet me. They hear my accent, and they know I’m not Austrian, so they assume I’m German. Till they get to know me’.

    I pass the Brandenburger Tor and enter Unter Den Linden. Unter den Linden sind vielen Blätter. The lime trees stand denuded as I walk on a carpet of decaying leaves.

    DSC03812

    I think about history.
    The city stands shrouded in gloom, even here in its most beautiful street, nineteen years after its moment of glory.
    I think about Ian McEwan’s ‘Black dogs’, the moment the wall came down, the menace underneath the rejoicing.
    ‘Look out for the Russian embassy’ Anya said. And there it is.
    I told Himself about ‘Black Dogs’ in the restaurant on Tuesday. He knew all about Book Crossing.
    ‘It’s a great idea. I’ve done it with some of my books. You should try it.’
    I can’t bear to part with my books though.
    ‘Can I have it?’ he asks.
    ‘I was going to leave it at the airport’.
    ‘You can leave it anywhere, that’s the idea.’
    ‘But what should I say on the website?’
    ‘Say you gave it to your lover’.
    I felt suddenly embarrassed. It was the first time any derivative of the ‘L’ word had passed between us, and it lay awkwardly, between the wine bottle and the spaghetti carbonara.
    Is that what he is? I wondered.

    Back in Unter den Linden, I am still thinking about history.
    I remember Alex’s story about youths shouting ‘Heil Hitler!’ in the Metro station, while policemen stood by and ignored them.
    ‘They shouldn’t be allowed to do that’ said Niki.
    ‘They’re not’.

    I think of Carlo in Brussels in June, reading in Corriere della Serra, that Berlusconi had made himself immune from prosecution for corruption.
    ‘This is how Fascism begins’ he said.

    Of Alex’s hilarious account over dinner last night,of how he and Anya witnessed a riot in Tbilisi.

    Outside the ‘Alles uber Berlin’ exhibition is a sad looking bear, inscribed with a quote from Einstein:
    ‘Peace cannot be kept by force, it can only be achieved by understanding’.

    DSC03811

    Outside the Humboldt University, second hand book stalls remind me of the Left Bank. ‘Jede Buch, 2.00 E’.

    DSC03818

    I think of Ilze, Gabriella and Petra, Marika, Cezary, Adem and Eva. Eduardo, Daniel, Afroditi, Hanne, Nuno, Desmond, Artwell, Irina, Carlo and Yves, my extended family. Of crazy evenings in Delirium, picnics on the Pont des Arts, the Coliseum at midnight. The simple, irresistible force of friendship, one on one, person to person.
    On Unter den Linden, the sun shines, and history melts into the air.

    DSC03822

  • Goodbye to Berlin - 1

    Outside the restaurant on Thursday night, Niki hugged me extravagantly.
    'You're coming to the meeting in January, aren't you?'
    'I don't know. Don't think so'.
    'Why not?'
    'I haven't been invited'. I'm conscious of Carlo's eyes on us.
    'C'mon, you have to come back to Berlin!'
    'Berlin! In January? Even colder than now!' says Anya. 'We should go to Rome'.
    'Here that, Carlo?' says Niki. 'Next time, Roma!'
    'It will be Berlin or Vienna.' Alexander is being practical.
    'Vienna! Come ON!!! NO one wants to go to Vienna!'
    Niki kisses me on the cheek.
    'You take care. I'll be back on facebook soon, promise. Let me know what's happening. OK?'
    I return her kiss.
    'You too.'
    Later, in the Metro on the way back to the hotel, Carlo says:
    'When you finish the work for Alexander, send me an invoice, for that and for the work you did for me. We need to finish your involvement with the project by the end of this year'.
    That's what I thought.
    It's gone midnight before I get to bed, and I'm awake at 4. I get up and pack, then back to bed, but not to sleep.

  • Procrastination?

    When I got to the bedroom, he was still in bed, flanked by the cats.
    I got dressed, he got up, spoke to the cats.
    At breakfast, I came as close as ever I have to telling him how I feel, what's on my mind. But I held off a little longer.
    I am trying to arrange to meet Himself again in a couple of weeks. I have a plausible excuse to spend the night in London. But I don't want to complicate things just at the moment, I don't want to provoke suspicions and jeopardise our meeting.
    Maybe I should just say, casually,
    'Oh, by the way, I'll be spending the night with my lover.'
    Lover? Is that we he is?
    He's a man I've met twice and had sex with.
    Well, not just sex, actually. conversation, laughter, good company, fun. Teasing, of both varieties, cock and ego.
    A charming, intelligent, funny, interesting, sexy man, who by some bizarre quirk of fate also finds me charming, intelligent, funny, interesting and sexy. Who'da thought it???
    But love?????
    Careful.
    That way, madness lies.

  • Sunday morning

    Sunday morning, almost time for breakfast.
    I wonder if Hubby is still in bed?
    I wonder if he is waiting for me to join him?
    I don't want to.
    I don't want him.
    I've made the coffee, it's in the pot, he can help himself.

  • Learning to swim

    If you cling to a rock in a stormy sea, you might find it sinks to the bottom, taking you down with it.
    Much better to learn to swim on your own account. Of course, learning to swim is never easy, and the older you are, the harder it is. but once you've learnt, it stays with you.
    and breaking free of the fear is the hardest part. Once you realise how buoyant you are naturally, if you can just stop struggling, you can begin to work with the water instead of against it, begin to take control. But in order to do that, you have to be prepared to give yourself up to it, to take that risk.
    Two hours before my meeting is due to start, I launch myself from the hotel, and hoist my Brussels umbrella against the Berlin rain. the rain falls with stereotypical German efficiency, soaking the brown and gold late October leaves.
    It's closer than I thought, the scale of the map hard to interpret. This is the road, that's the way, it must be somewhere around here.
    what to do for two hours? i don't want to get there stupidly early. What is there to do around here?
    I see a path leading off through trees. It follow it to a footbridge, over... the autobahn. I stop in the middle of the bridge in the pouring rain, and watch the traffic as though I were on the Pont des Arts watching boats on the Seine.
    why is this mad Englishwoman standing under an umbrella watching the morning rush hour? Below me the cars, vans, lorries rumble, headlights cutting through the gloomy damp of a Thursday morning. I watch as they ebb and flow, passing underneath the cars waiting on the next bridge along.
    I need a coffee shop, but this is not a coffee-shop kind of area. I head back towards the Kurfurstendamm - the non-glamorous, relatively functional end of the Ku-damm where I have found myself. Back past the turning to the hotel.
    I pass two coffee shops, stop outside a third. This looks OK. an older guy has stopped too, he is looking through the door, he starts to let down his umbrella just as I do the same.

    I follow him through the door, keeping enough distance to show we are not together. I hear the waitress telling him that they have no coffee, only tea. while they discuss the varieties of tea on offer, I turn and walk out again, retracing my steps down the road.
    The middle cafe is the largest of the three, more of a restaurant. But the only door as far as I can see has a sign saying: 'Kein Eingang', and I cannot find another way in.
    At the other place, two men sit at a counter looking out of the window. I step inside.
    'Ein cappuccino, bitte'.
    the waitress speaks rapidly. I slowly interpret, and form my reply:
    'Etwas zu essen?'
    'Nein, danke'. I ate breakfast at the hotel.
    then more rapid German:
    'Zum hier trinke? Oder mit nehmen?'
    'hier, bitte'.
    'Ein-sechsig'.
    I hand over my 2 Euro coin. Looking in my purse, I think I could have found the 1 Euro-60, but it doesn't matter.
    I take my cappuccino and sit at the counter looking out of the window. At the first sip, I realise I sprinkled it with black pepper. the waitress must have seen me do it, but said nothing.
    No problem. It actually tastes good this way.
    I take out my notebook and pencil - my Moleskine notebook, bought at Borders in Oxford Street the last time I was in London, the afternoon of the day when I first met Himself, not knowing what was ahead of me that evening.
    I write my life. Is that the best I can do? Will I find it in myself to write something more? Yes, I can, I know that, I can do it. If I push myself.
    I can write more than my life.
    But can I live the life I have?
    I glance out the cafe window. There is an umbrella, suspended in mid air, with no pole supporting it. Of course, it is suspended on an L-shaped pole which is bolted to the edge of the terrace, but for a moment it seems disconnected, surreal, the place where it touches the pole obscured by a red painted band on the window. I look up through the green of the canopy. It is there to keep off the sunshine, obviously, no one sits at the outdoor tables in the rain.
    Behind the umbrella is a silver birch tree. The canopy rocks a little in the wind. I can see the shapes of the fallen birch leaves resting on the upper side. It rocks again, keeping off the rain, the hypothetical sun and the leaves, from the terrace and tables beneath. Except that the rain and the leaves have got there anyway, somehow.
    I drain my cup, just as Jimmy Cliff starts to sing on the radio:
    'I can see clearly now the rain has gone...'
    I start to sing along:
    'I think I can make it now the pain has gone.
    all of the bad feelings have disappeared.
    Here comes that rainbow I've been praying for,
    It's gonna be a bright, bright, sunshiny day...'
    I put away my notebook, pick up my phone, then notice that there's a message.
    It's from Himself.
    'Good luck with the meeting! xxx'
    Suddenly I'm smiling, as I text back:
    'Thanks! C u in 19 days! xxx'

  • Dinner for one

    'Passion' restaurant and cocktail bar, Kurfustendam, Berlin, Wednesday evening.
    The mojito slips down easily, as I wait for my Spanish omelette. Well, it doesn't taste very alcoholic.
    I have been walking up and down this non-glamorous, rather out-of-town stretch of the Ku-Damm, close to the hotel (between the railway line and the autobahn), trying to decide what I wanted to eat and drink, if anything.
    It came down to a choice between this and fried noodles at the Chinese place a little further up the road, but the Chinese seemed deserted, a bad sign, and at least a few of the tables here were occupied.
    As with Brussels (and London too, come to think of it), it appears you can find food of any nationality along here. This place describes itself as 'Mediterranean', predominantly Italian, but I don't want Italian tonight. That was last night, with Himself, I teased him afterwards: 'next time you should ask them to put less garlic in the risotto', but I didn't care, his kisses were perfectly delicious.
    The menu is only in German, but that's OK, my school German is good enough to decipher most things on a menu. Spanish omelette sounds perfect.
    A man sits on a bar stool with a guitar, and begins to tune it. At first he seems to be just practising, but he soon gets into his stride. I love to listen to an acoustic guitar.
    I brought my note book, but nothing to read, so I will write while I wait for my food. The head waiter gives me a look, perhaps he suspects me of being a restaurant critic.
    The customary rose seller wanders in, but gives up when he realises that the clientele is made up of women, not couples. I may be the only one on my own, but there are twos and threes on the other tables. Women without men, laughing and sharing friendship. Or enjoying their own company.
    Once I would have shut myself away in my hotel room, however hungry I was. Tonight, I'm not particularly hungry, but I made myself come out and find somewhere, to prove I can cope on my own. I'm getting better.
    The guitarist has begun to sing, in Spanish. I pause in my eating to clap. He is popular, and rightly so. He has a wonderful deep, expressive voice.
    The omelette was good, the creme caramel was good, I am enjoying my solitary evening. There are no liqueur coffees on the menu, so I order hot chocolate.
    'Mit Sahne?' asks the waitress.
    'Ja, bitte!' I answer with a smile and a nod. She has made no concessions, no attempt to speak English, but we have communicated perfectly well all evening. I like that.
    The chocolate isn't up to Brussels standards, but maybe that was too much to expect.
    I walk back to the hotel, surprised to find it's only five to nine. But I'm ready for bed. It's been a long day, and I didn't get much sleep last night.
    I pass a poster with a picture of a basket ball player, and the slogan:
    'Wie schnell kann dein Herz rasen?'
    I have no idea what it's advertising, but I can confirm that my heart can race pretty damn fast given the right circumstances.
    when I get to the room, I send a text:
    'Nice big bed. wish u wr here. xxx'

  • Writing my life

    I write my life.
    Who would want to read that???
    My life is surreal, paradoxical: banal and wonderful; joyful and desperate; light and dark simultaneously like a Magritte painting.
    Perhaps that is true of everyone's life.
    Maybe if I can write out my life, I will be able to start to write something worthwhile.
    Or maybe even start to live.
    rene-magritte-lempire-des-lumieres

  • Scrabble on!

    Ok the game is on... - Keep it going!!!

    Change one letter of the bottom word posted and let's see who gets stuck
    and can't continue!

    Rules:

    You cannot use a word already used.
    You cannot add letters.
    You cannot use foreign languages.
    You can only change one letter.

    Cut and paste the current word and add yours post your answer and tag 2 new people.

    To make it even more interesting, let's add what town or city we are
    from & the date to see how far this goes and how long it's been out...

    WORD:

    PRAY : Jack frost Ely UK
    PRAM : La_spice, France, 1 November 2008
    CRAM: Melinda, Bedford UK, 1 November 2008

    I tag:
    Modone and Joebangles

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